butforwhy?

This is the first weekend that I have my daughter after my ex-wife and daughter moved out. I was really nervous about having her, I know I’m more than capable of taking care of her and loving her the way she deserves. Its just been really difficult staying in a almost empty home with nothing but that silent noise and a lot of memories. I would constantly be reminded of the divorce when I walked past my daughters empty bed room.

Recently the urge to just pack up the few bits and pieces that I have left and just disappear has been getting stronger and stronger. It was the strongest this afternoon just before I picked up Kaitlyn. After spending the last bit of the afternoon with her, eating supper with her, bathing her and putting her to bed, I realise that running away from that would never be an option. Even If I only get to spend time with her every second weekend it is really worth every second of it. Having her makes this empty home seem full of live again.

I look forward to the rest of the weekend with Kaitlyn

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Life

I’m now officially single. I’m not sure how I should feel about that? I think at the moment I’m feeling indifferent, I’m assuming that’s normal? I still have the urge to just pack my stuff and disappear as things haven’t really gotten any easier in a lot of aspects its gotten harder as there is no pressure to make a relationship work and things seem to be just “working”.

I keep asking myself when are things going to get easier? are they actually going to get easier? How much longer do I need to hang in and fight the urge to just run away?

Something else that is starting to bother me, I think I’m bottling up the past and trying to ignore it instead of actually dealing with it. I just keep telling my self that I’m being too hard on myself and its still early days, there is plenty of time to deal with everything.

Something that has become very difficult is trying to string more than one thought together and to keep focused on anything. I’ve decided to start a short to-do list and try to force myself to stick to that, If my mind ends up wondering onto something else, I try and take note of that and attend to it at a later stage.

Its interesting that there are manuals and documentation for everything out there except with actually dealing with life. No one actually tells you or explains to you before you get into something what the possible short falls could be. I guess that is all part of life, if you only experience good, how would you be able to differentiate good from bad.

Anyway, I’ll try and keep this updated on my progress of my newly single life.

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Life, Pain Suffering, Relationships

I mentioned in a previous post (moving on) that my wife and I were going to make a go of making our marriage work. Unfortunately it didn’t quite work out like I would have expected, we decided recently to get a divorce as our relationship wasn’t getting any better.

I knew 8 weeks ago when I said I would try and make the marriage work that there was a good chance it wouldn’t work, this is still a very difficult one for me to deal with, However my views are slightly different now (possibly I have grown up along the way) as I don’t see this as a negative but I’m seeing this as a chapter in my life that I’m closing only to open up a new exciting chapter.

Now that we are getting a divorce it’s made dealing with the deceit and rejection even worse. I’ve had some weird and wonderful thoughts of trying to get some form of revenge but I’ve realised that if I want to heal and move on I have to let go of everything that has happened and accept it.

By holding onto the past and having thoughts of trying to get some form or revenge I’m making that the center of my being as apposed to that being an experience in my life and apart of me. Sitting here now things don’t look good for me going forward as it feels like things aren’t going to get any easier but I know my future ahead is a promising one. I’ve got a lot going for me even though my marriage has fallen apart. I’ve got an amazing daughter, I have my health and a great job what more could I ask for?, I just need to be patient during this painful period.

I’ve also stopped trying to pass blame onto everyone else and have just accepted the outcome. I feel the only way for me to move forward and heal would be to accept my fate as it is. At the end of the day I’m only human and I’m not perfect and I do make mistakes. This failed marriage is apart of my life and always will be and isn’t something that I’m ashamed of. Although this isn’t the result I ever imagined, I believe I had to experience it in order for me to grow as I have.

This is me to closing one chapter and opening up a new chapter. I’m scared yet excited of the next step as I have no idea what to expect but I’ll hold my head high and look forward to the next adventure.

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Divorce, Life, Relationships

I’ve come to the realization that my belief system has let me down. Everything that I believed in and thought was true turns out to be quite the opposite. This isn’t an easy thing for me to get my head around, I mean how can ones belief system be wrong? is it possible? well the fact of the matter is reality is king and reality wins every time no matter what. I just chose to ignore the signs and opted to live my life in a bubble. I was too scared to step out and face the real world. I’ve learn’t so much about myself in the last few months, I just hope that I will have the strength to pick up all the pieces and move forward as a better stronger person that isn’t afraid to look reality in the eye.

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Life

After having a bit of a moment this evening I’ve had some time to ponder and I’ve been thinking what am I doing, why am I here? Have I made the right decision to be here? Is there more to still come? I’m not sure which way to turn anymore. What makes this so much harder is the consequences to both choices are potentially very serve.

We all have moments when we are slightly weak, I had the choice, and choose to stick around and that is what I’m going to do, through thick and thin.

The lyrics from One Republic - Someone to save you describes a lot of what I’m feeling right now.

All right
Sit down and spill your heart
Lets start from the very start
Cause i can see by your eyes
You’re wasted
Your energy comes and goes
You taking your time, you know
Nothing can change what happened, you know

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Life, Relationships

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing’s turned out how you wanted

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Life, Music

I’ve decided that I HAVE to start going to gym again and figured today would be a good day to start. Its just so damn cold. At this point in time I’m freezing my ass off and can’t think of anything worse than going to gym

I think the only way I’ll actually get to the gym is not make it an option. Yes I HAVE to go to the gym, I can’t cancel this one…. something like that… I don’t think its going to work……

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Exercise, Gym, Life

I thought I would put down a few points describing a typical day in my life….

• Get up at roughly 5am or earlier depending on the little general (more to follow on Kaitlyn at a later stage).
• Make some coffee
• Draw straws with Tanna to get Kaitlyn.
• Get Kaitlyn dressed.
• Shit, Shower, Shave.
• If there is time squeeze a quick breakfast in.
• Leave for work as close to 7am as possible and sit in an hour worth of traffic.
• Tinker around at work for several hours.
• Back to the traffic for another extended period.
• Attempt to hit the gym or have a game of squash.
• Eat supper with the family.
• Either bath and put Kaitlyn down to bed or clean up.
• Watch some tv or abuse the playstation.
• Jump into bed.
• Get up between 2 and 3 times during the night when the madam either can’t find her dummy or wants her milk bottle.

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Life

After everything that has been thrown at me recently I’ve decided to relook at my group of friends and which of them I can actually call friends as someone that I thought was a good friend turned out to really betray my friendship, trust and everything else. It’s so bad that I get into a rage when I think about it and just want to beat the sh1t out of him. Its such a pitty that giving him a good beating won’t do anything except make me feel worse than I already do. I’ve also come to realise that if I do decided to beat him (which I so badly want to do) I’m going to be stooping to a level lower than him, so I guess all that I can do is bite the bullet and find some other way of venting my anger.

Its sad that it takes a tough/rough time for you to sift though the true friends. When times are good they are all there for you but the moment the situation changes or isn’t convenient for them anymore they drop you and really make life hell.

I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that morally this is very wrong but the reality is it happens and it happens very often. Nothing that we can do about it but accept it and learn to choose our friends better.

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Life, Relationships